So it’s been awhile. Break has come; I’ve started working in my father’s lab, taking measurements, turning valves, shuttling back and forth between my tidy little workspace by Shao Nan who worries about insurance coverage and the protective coating on eye glasses and the other post doc who’s name slips my mind right now, also Chinese, broad but squat, with the face of a cherub.
“Are you joining our group?” Shao Nan asked me curiously yesterday, when she was still trying to sort out who I was and why I was there. I told her no, I was just passing through, the son of the boss coming in to play chemist (or lab dog more like) for the next three weeks before returning to school. Satisfied, she swiveled back around in her seat and that was that.
When I’m not observing Shannon as he meticulously operates the instruments in the lab—“now open the valve to a 45 degree angle and wait for the gauge to read negative 60… good, now…” or reading at my desk (I just finished Nabokov’s Speak, Memory yesterday and I’m working my way through Coetzee’s Boyhood) I’m thinking about my present life, the study abroad apps I feel so behind on, the feeling of pent up emotions and expressions languishing in the recesses of a mind dulled by malnutrition and too-little sleep, all the little pieces of my days that operate in tandem to create this illusory script, this ongoing dialogue I hear at the heart of my perception.
I’ll be clubbing on Friday I guess, adding torrid new memories to a history of long, dangerously unhinged nights, but now I’m thinking backwards rather than forwards, pondering the memoir I want to write and the memoir I left partially written in China when all I had to do was teach and eat lovely, authentic cuisine and ruminate on my past in stilted prose. For my latest venture into self-indulgent retrospective writing I want to have a clear structure and motif in mind before I start, and the motif I’ve settled on—initially as a personal joke and now as a solid framework—is my wardrobe and the other clothes stuffed in ample drawers under my bed and downstairs in the basement closet where I recently found a chocolate brown blazer, formerly my dad’s, that I’ve appropriated as my own. I want to write a piece not just dedicated to all the clothes I’ve amassed in years and years of life but more so to the memories they evoke in me, the moments both trifling and overpowering that certain components of my ever-growing wardrobe holds static for me, bound up in the nubby knit of a sweater or the patent shine of sleek black leather. I feel like the product of my efforts will undoubtedly feel shallow and cheesy in that awful overtly sentimental way but I don’t care; I’ve been considering this project for too long , since that day in Panera when in my grey cashmere crewneck, the one I shoplifted from Old Navy, I jokingly told Lauren I was going to write a short story about each lovingly attended piece hanging in my closet and call it Memoirs of a Gaysian. I’m doing it now Lauren, I hope.
To start I want to make a preliminary list of all the garments I may end up including in this book, I’ll decide how I want to approach each piece when I’ve whittled down my list to the ones that matter or work the best. Obviously the structure is going to be disjointed if I’m jumping from look to look but I’m willing to concede my punctiliousness in this case because it feels right… as long as I can project some sort of life progression in there as well, an underlying current of tenuous growth that will make it more a memoir of my life and less a shallow inventory of my closet.
THE LIST:
-Meagan’s necklace, the one with the thin gold chain and the glassy orb pendant.
-the navy peacoat that was my first purchase from Urban and my proudest possession for a time.
-the seersucker shorts I got at Rugby Ralph Laruen in Palo Alto and which got stained on my first cruise with Hao and Daniel and co.
-My dad’s blazer which I found in the basement and now call my own.
-My mom’s robe that I wore when cross dressing for the Spring Festival performance.
-My Kungfu silks
-yellow American Apparel pants I picked up on a whim in Vancouver
-My first Gap Cardigan, grey with navy sailor stripes, also picked up in Vancouver.
-Tri-blend evergreen, the American Apparel cardigan of my junior year summer.
-the cashmere sweaters I stole from Old Navy that have become wardrobe staples for me.
-a knotted brown leather bracelet I found in an H&M in Shanghai.
-My alternative apparel grey sweats that I wore all of my first semester of college
-My yale scarf, my Stanford hoody and Princeton Sweat shirt.
-The denim gap utility shirt I wore to Chicago and Nashville this past summer.
-The super short grey topman shorts that were all I wore this past spring and summer.
-The purple cobras v-neck and tank top we self-dyed in the laundry room at Governor’s school.
-My navy and silver J Crew tie I’ve worn to everything.
-The sea foam green silk tie Julie’s mom bought for me in China from the silk street.
-The grey tweed blazer I bought at planet exchange—my first grey blazer.
-The super skinny grey blazer I wore to prom with too short pants, a turquoise tie, my white Abercrombie oxford shirt and a black vest.
-The grey blazer with black razor piping off topman that I wore to prom senior year.
-red and white Hawaiian print swim trunks I wore in Hawaii.
-the light blue American Apparel crew neck shirt I stained with sweat and food all over the world.
-black fleece MTSU jacket I wore on FOP that reminds me of Andrew.
-The green sweats I bought from Hollister that I always trip over
-The ombre’d grey Abercrombie and Fitch half zip I took the SAT 2’s in that I bought for eighty dollars.
-All my Abercrombie tees I wore in high school.
-The khaki pants I bought in Hawaii from American Eagle that later lost its button and was cut into super short shorts this past summer.
-The sequined shirt I wore one Halloween to Lauren/Kylie’s Halloween party.
-The black and white gingham j crew shirt I wore on many a photo shoot and party.
-My last purchase at the mall with Meagan: a navy wool-cashmere blend cardigan from j crew
-the black pleather jacket by Charles and ½ for Urban Outfitters that I wore out so many times fall semester freshman year of college.
-The black girl jeans I picked up at planet exchange.
-My beat up oxblood oxfords that I picked up at a Goodwill near downtown Knoxville.
-my track and cross country uniforms
-The chunky blue and grey scarf I bundled around my neck in winter to meet Cole at Panera
-The navy ribbed Henley I bought at Stanford and lost again at Stanford two years later.
-my ripped up Hollister jeans… light wash and dark wash.
-my lace up generic surplus boots that I wore to relay for life and on many other occasions.
-My gap white wash jeans I loved SO MUCH.
-the suspenders I wore to Machine and that one random party in Leverett.
-The denim cutoffs I wore for Halloween this year.
-All the gloves I’ve lost.
-my Aviator sunglasses, the silver ones that just scream summer
-beautiful, wooly socks from FOP and other assorted footwear.
-Meagan’s black lace up booties I wore once.
-Ann’s blue tights I ripped up on super hero day.
-My Abercrombie cargo shorts I loved so much
-The thigh high socks I wore at Governor’s school.
-The purple sash I wore on stage at the Diwali performance last fall.
-Andrew’s beanie and the random gifts I’ve bought him.
-Lauren’s green top from Francesca’s and her printed wrap dress and crimson mom cardi
-Kylie’s Gucci Bag
-Brittany Gibb’s Juicy Couture and Coach bags from freshman year
-A mask from a masquerade I attended on a boat.
-Evan’s tie-dye socks and cable knit sweater from Sweater Thursdays
-Erin’s grey cardigans, patterned tights and brown cable knit boots.
-Erin’s hat I stole and Ellen’s leg warmers that I peed on.
-Daniel’s grey v-neck sweater and green thermal.
-mom’s coach bags that she eventually returned and her red silk Chinese silk dresses.
-David’s Waken Baken trucker hat and his Green Northface jacket.
-Hao’s gauntlets and his graffiti print hoody.
-my khaki flight jacket from Gap that Muntaser thought made me look straight.
-The shapeless raw silk shirt I bought in China
-the blue Abercrombie dressshirt I wore layered under a waffle knit Henley that the girls in Geometry mocked unbeknownst to me.
-the impractical white blazer I bought off urban.
-my too tight topman black blazer I wore to my final AP test and my first funeral.
-The anime boxers and tank top I wore to my first day of school
-black old navy flip flops
-my beat up old Stanford messenger bag I wore to a million different science Olympiad competitions.
-The cream cardigan I wore my first time captaining scholar’s bowl on PBS.
-Lynelle’s gifted underwear, the Henley Andrew gave me and other gifts good and bad.
-The charcoal grey merino wool sweater from j crew I ripped on the arm and also wore to my superlative pictures.
-The grey vest I wore to junior year homecoming.
-The lilac dress shirt I lifted from Target
-Mint green, xs American apparel v-neck
-A black cardigan vest I wore to a scholar’s bowl competition senior year which I saw Cole in.
-A green suede vest that was too small for me but I wore it anyways
-my lickitung v-neck shirt
-tightrolled pants ALL THE TIME.
-my black and white striped long sleeve tee
-my Ralph lauren pima cotton sweaters
-The white keds that got so dirty
-My cream half zip American Eagle sweater with all the stains from sledding
-Long Johns I bought for Harvard
-red bow ties at Convocation
-The cove and my multiple scarves and Lauren
-The military green pants with plaid cuffs I just couldn’t do without.
-white, burnout, fraying h&m long sleeve shirt
-Lauren’s green velvet blazer
-broken and lost glasses
-My mom’s thin metal link watch
-Mr. Holt’s Hangzhou shirt
-my brown hoody from Yellowstone
-ellen’s hiking boots
-The cashmere sweater I brought to camping spring break this past year
-my brown duffel off urban.
-the Louis vuitton monogram colors collection
-Leshan in green American Eagle crew
-Chengdu gardens in Gap bi-color ringer v-neck
-camel double breasted blazer I found at yet another goodwill
-The random blue trench coat Stephen soto let me borrow one night at Harvard
-blue Levis skinnies, my favorite jeans.
Possible Chapter topics:
-all the pretty colors
-The evolution of style (from Abercrombie teeny-bopper to Thriftstore chic)
-Dancing Queen
-Denim stories
-Matchy-matchy
-photoshoots for every season
-What they wore
-my mother, my father
-receipts and shopping bags: the joy of shopping
-my wardrobe abroad
-Stained perfect
-The college colors game
-the ones that got away
-gifts I gave and got
-Just run with it (on)
-It’s a foot thing
-Great American Heists
-summertime v’s
-implausible combinations
-It’s all in the proportions
-Do I really look that gay?
-nature so chic
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